I have to run a story by all of my fellow moms out there. I honestly want to know if I am off my rocker or is this just the norm these days.
So I'm standing in line today at Chick-fil-a and I recognize a girl from high school with her 2 children. She briefly glanced my way and glanced away, and I, for some reason, kept trying to get her attention to just wave and say hello. I wasn't really good friends with her in high school, more of just acquaintances, but none the less, the two of us seemed to have something in common right off the bat...both in our sweats and tennis shoes, no make-up on, 2 kids in tow, on a rainy day at the mall; I figured she was in the same boat as me, just wanted to get outta the house to make the day pass by faster until that man we call daddy gets home. I thought it was odd that she turned away...my first thoughts were, wait are we still in high school (lol), am I intimidating for some reason, do I have a booger on the side of my face or spit up in my hair, was she just having a bad day, or did she not recognize me? I don't know, but it was just one of those things where I knew she recognized me...it was way too noticeable and awkward when she kept avoiding turning my way. I checked my shirt and hair, no booger or spit up. After walking away and thinking about the situation, I suppose I could have walked up to her and spoke no matter what, but then again, she made it quite clear that she didn't want to speak. I was sad for a moment there.
I'm so confused these days by women (a lot of them being moms) who are so caught up in comparing their lives to one another or trying to one up each other that it destroys their relationships or makes it hard to even start new ones. It seems before we even meet one another, we are giving the up and down stare checking out who has what and who's doing what. We are all very different people, creatures of habit and I'm just trying to understand why we can't be more supportive of one another instead of tearing each other down. Time after time I see jealousy and envy get in the way of friendships. Yes, even my own. I've basically lost 2 really great friendships in the past year over what I believe to be jealousy. Although, I wouldn't know the exact reasons, because all of a sudden these women cut me out of their lives with no explanation...literally. Yes, cut me off and didn't tell me why. Folks, we're talking years of great friendships...not mere months...and folks we're also talking women in their 30's! Whatever happen to pure communication? If I have dealt any one of my friends a bad hand, I need and want to know about it? Don't dare keep it from me. I am one to be very hard on myself and suppose it's something I did. I keep losing the friends so it's obviously something that I'm causing. At least that is where I keep going with things. I'll talk to one or two of my really close girlfriends (basically the 2 I have left) and they'll both say, no, Allyson, you are doing everything right. They are just jealous.
Really? Jealous? Jealous of what? Not saying that I don't have a blessed life that I am very thankful for, but I also surround myself with some fabulous women and all of them have wonderful, Godly lives, full of happy and beautiful children, husbands with great jobs, nice homes...at least from the looks of it that is how it seems. We are all pulling from the same pile here so why in the world would any of these women be jealous of what they already have?
But time and time again, I turn around and see it happening everywhere. I can't throw my children's birthday parties without someone thinking I'm some uppity mom who has these lavish parties for children who won't even remember it. I don't judge those moms that send out a write-in who, what, when, where, why birthday invitation just because it's not up my alley...again, we are all different people and that is OK, so why judge me if I want to go over-the-top (and yes, I admit, many times I do). Wonder if they ever stopped to think that maybe it's something I truly enjoy doing. It's MY hobby. Yes, I'm allowed hobbies right? This stay-at-home-mom does do something besides sit on Facebook all day and post every step I make or give status updates of how great my life is and me, me, my, my! ugh! Makes me sick.
Question is, does anyone ever think of anyone but themselves anymore? I admit, I'm guilty too...of being self-centered and loving my life, but I honestly believe and hope that those who I reach out to and go out of my way for notice it. Even if it's little things like an invite for a girls night out that is declined every time or just having a friend come up and go through hand-me-downs before I put them in consignment...does she know I give her first dibs on everything I own? Or inviting someone over last minute and serving them lunch just because...no big plan involved. Having the same family over for dinner time and time again never getting an invite back to their home. Let me clarify that I'm not asking for notoriety. We don't do it over and over again because we expect something back, we do it because we WANT to do it...no other motives folks.
Looking back, I've had my feelings hurt pretty severely numerous times in the past 5 years and ya know what, they were hurt all by MOMS! As adolescents, we all go through our high school feuds, fights with best friends, boyfriends, parents, etc, but never in my wildest dreams did I really think that in my 30's it would be harder to have a relationship with a fellow mom than it would to maintain a high school relationship with a fellow friend. Gosh, it's so much harder!
I'm just struggling with the fact of why we cannot be more supportive and happy for one another and tell each other our feelings if something isn't just right. Aren't we all mature enough to take it as it comes? Sure, feelings will be hurt, but wouldn't you rather know than have the friendship turn fake? Isn't it just natural to be happy for someone when they, let's say, get a new car, new job, new house, new baby or even when their child does something great? I'm jumping for joy when something good happens to a close friend. I'm wanting to celebrate for and with them! Here lately, it seems so opposite for our family. I feel like we have been shunned out of people's lives when things like that happen. It's judgement on every aspect and it's so exhausting. Like I said, I can't have a birthday party without being judged. I can't tell someone that my child is in the advanced class at school without being looked upon like I'm bragging. I nurse my children for one year and I'm looked upon badly for that? What, am I horrible because I'm consistent and I stick to things? When did that turn into a bad thing? Shoot, I introduce my friends to my other friends, and they go off and make their own group and toss me to the curb! Now how's that for a slap in the face?
I'm sure my rant has a ton to do with my hormones (as right now I'm weening my one year old off the breast which puts my body into post pardum), but these are feelings I've been having for years. I'm sure I can find another blog post on here years back about being in playgroup when Brayden was 2, remembering the moms competing over who learned their abc's the fastest and what was wrong with their child if they weren't on track with the next. Oh, I learned quick that it wasn't a contest. I remember saying to one of them, honestly, do you think in 5 years we are going to be talking about who learned their 123's first? No! So why in the world are we comparing?! Now here I am 5 years later and looks like I was right! I don't hear the moms in my sons kindergarten class asking each other when their child learned to count, or at what age they first walked or when they were potty trained! It's all caught up in the moment and I wish other moms would realize that! It's definitely ok to praise and boast humbly about your children, but to rub it in someone elses face is just wrong! It's not a contest and just because your child runs faster at 3 than my child, doesn't mean he's gonna be the next future olympic track star for crying out loud! Don't get me wrong, it's good to have dreams for your children, but comparing and contrasting them to others is not going to get them there, that is for sure! It's probably going to set them back if anything!
So I don't even remember my point of this post. I just know I'm going through a really hard time trying to figure out if I am being the best person I can be, and if I'm not, why no one is telling me and will this ever end?! Let's try to support and be happy for each other. It just seems like people are more likely to find criticism in someone else's good doing rather than just saying one kind word and complimenting them. I can honestly say, I try to go out of my way to let my friends know my feelings when they express something that has gone good in their lives. Even if I am a little jealous, which is natural to an extent, doesn't mean I don't still feel genuinely happy for them and that I'm going to shun them for the good things that are happening. Let's lift each other up for heaven's sake.
So if you are out and about today and see a fellow mom struggling or maybe one who looks like they just have it all together and things couldn't be better, give her a wink or a wave or a small hello, because I'll tell you what, it would make my day if I received something like that from time to time! Just someone who is in the same boat as me and knows how good they have it, but who can also admit how hard it is, too. Let's try to remember our old golden rules...treat others how you'd like to be treated and definitely this one, don't judge a book by it's cover. Just because it looks like they have it all together doesn't mean they do!
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